the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
