Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize