my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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