I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
