his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
