she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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