you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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