i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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