I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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