I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
