i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Is it penis luge time yet?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
