dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
