May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
