the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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