Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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