she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
