Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
