i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize