Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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