Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
