I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize