put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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