You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
