I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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