like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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