the new term for farting is butt boxing.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
