God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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