i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize