the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
