My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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