i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
