I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I have post one night stand depression
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
