people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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