I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
