Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
