you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
