Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
