I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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