don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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