I need help removing her.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I came so hard my ears popped.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
