I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
