Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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