The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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