you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
