By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
