i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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