ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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