Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
