Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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