we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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