I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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