life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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