so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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