1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
