I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
