is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
