before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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