I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
