Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
