i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
