So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
