Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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