i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
