those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
