whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
