please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
