some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
