We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
