I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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