The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
