i was born a porn star she said
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
