Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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